My Husband’s Adventures with “Ben”

It’s been quite a while since I have posted here, and this post is NOT at all what I had planned for this weekend.  I have not posted anything since my daughter’s 21st birthday in August, and now there will be a flurry of posts when I had only planned one this week.

But during the past week, there has been an adventure in my husband’s life and it is simply too good not to share.

My husband is easily one of the funniest men on the planet earth.  Along with his gift for hospitality, his sense of humor is definitely one of his top traits.  If I had a dime for every time he’s reduced me (and everyone else within earshot) to a pile of side-aching, tear-streaming fits of screaming laughter, I would have retired long ago.

This episode is definitely one of his best adventures and – lucky for me – he chronicled the climax in an email to his brother.

It all started last Sunday night, just after our son – who dropped in for a few games of pool with his dad – left for the evening.  My husband went outside to grill a salmon fillet.  When he opened the hood of the grill, he was greeted by a rodent.

I had no idea what was going on.  I was watching TV and checking one of my Twitter timelines.  I hear noises outside and next thing I know my husband has appeared beside me and taps me on the arm – and it was not a gentle tap.  He had a somewhat shocked look on his face.  I asked what was wrong and he told me.  He opened the grill and there was a rat staring back at him.

Since I was on Twitter, I couldn’t help but share this rather humorous event with a Twitter friend, MaryAnn.  With her permission, I’ve reproducing our exchange below.

Bonnie:  My husband just went outside to grill some salmon – lifted the lid and was greeted by……A RAT! George Foreman, here we come!!!!!

Mak:  EEeeeeeeee!

Bonnie:  That’s what my husband said as he ran back into the house.  That part was actually funny. Thank goodness he saw it before he lit the grill – just thinking of the smell is nauseating.

Mak:  Oh, my. Too bad you didn’t get video. He’d never live it down!

Bonnie:  No video, but I heard him shriek and could not imagine what was going on. Then I couldn’t stop laughing – still haven’t stopped!

Bonnie: His other comment was “It wasn’t as big as the rats in California.” I guess not everything is bigger in Texas-thank God!

Mak: No kidding! I’ve seen rats here and they are plenty big!

Bonnie:  Maybe this was a baby – or a Texas sized mouse! My husband’s in the kitchen muttering “f– – ing rats!”. LOL!

Mak: *rolling* Oh, stop, you’re killing me!

Bonnie: When I suggested it might have been a mouse, my husband said “no, I could tell by the finger he was giving me.”

Mak:  He sounds like a real card!

Bonnie (the next morning):  He came to bed muttering “I’m going to dream about “Ben”, I just know it.”

All was quiet this week on the rat front – until last night.  What follows is his own account of what occurred after I went to bed – this is from the email he sent to his brother which he titled “Ratso-Rizzo”.

Decided to take your advice and set Rat-Trap in barbecue at 5:00pm (still light out).

Since this would be Ratso’s “last meal” I gave him “Skippy” peanut butter.

Bonnie walked in at 5:10pm and I informed her of Rat Trap while also advising her that “execution” was scheduled for 8:00pm (since that’s how long I estimated it would take Ratso to find the stuff). I also told Bonnie to keep a sharp ear out for any barbecue noise at around that time. 

With the 5 Channel TV going we heard nothing by 8:00pm. I informed Bonnie that it’s possible the governor gave Ratso a stay of execution, hence no noise.

At 9:30pm Bonnie starts preparing for bed.  I went out to check the “execution chamber”. Upon opening the lid, there he is in the trap with his ass facing me, not moving.  I immediately closed the lid and figured I’d wait an hour before his funeral.

After about 15 minutes, I decided to check on the condemned.  Upon opening the barbecue lid again, here he is loose and dazed, but out of the trap. I immediately closed the lid again, ran into kitchen and grabbed Black Flag bug killer.

Upon returning to the barbecue, here’s his head at the opening.  He’s trying to get away. I sprayed Black Flag right in his face and he went back into the barbecue making a racket (really pissed him off).

I then ran upstairs to get my Pellet Rifle. Looking inside the chamber, it appeared to be loaded and ready for action.  I ran back downstairs out to the grill, pumped the rifle up 10 times for max power, opened the grill, aimed at dazed Ratso’s head – and pulled the trigger from 4 feet away.

Yep, nothing happens!!!

I checked the chamber again and the safety and all appeared okay.  Fired again, nothing!!!

Closed the grill, ran back upstairs, put a pellet in the rifle, pumped it up 10 times, and I could feel the pressure building, so now I figure “I’m finally in business”.   

Ran back downstairs, opened the grill, aimed, and immediately fired again.  

He bounced and landed in the corner of the grill not looking too well. On closer CSI examination with my flashlight, it appeared he took one through the neck and was bleeding (thank you soooo much, you piece of s – -t, bleeding all over my grill).   

Although I blessed him (of course) I will not start internment for a few hours, or tomorrow morning just to be on the safe side.

He was pretty big (size of baby rabbit).

I will probably reset trap in case there are more, since this hit came so fast.                        

For my part, I was already in bed when all this happened – didn’t hear a thing, including the patter of little feet running up and down stairs.  But was I ever surprised when, just as I was about to doze off, the lights came on in the bedroom and my husband walks in – carrying his pellet rifle!  I pulled the covers over my head and closed my eyes.

And today, while we were shopping for groceries, we also purchased – you guessed it – a George Foreman Grill!

This evening we plan to watch either “Ben” or one of my favorite episodes of Fawlty Towers – “Basil the Rat”.

About bonniejpreston

Life is an adventure. Make every day count. Enrich the lives of those you meet along the way. Don't show up at the end with a wish list. Invest in your health - the dividends paid are priceless. Listen at least twice as much as you talk. Enjoy the journey. Namaste
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4 Responses to My Husband’s Adventures with “Ben”

  1. mak75231 says:

    OMG, BONNIE! I’m rolling all over again! Your husband is officially a teacher of rat guerilla warfare! Although I wonder of pepper spray might have been better than the Black Flag, but I guess you improvise with what weapons are at hand! Possibly Rasto was a Jif fan, and that’s why the Skippy didn’t do the trick. Never know. I think you should officially rename your back yard The Green Mile!

    • Mak, thanks so much for your comment. It seems only fitting that the first person I shared the start of this adventure with would have a hilarious take on the whole episode. My husband is still chuckling about your comment! B

  2. Jill Smith says:

    Hi Bonnie,

    I just had a GREAT laugh with this story! I am going to have Mike read it. I hope to get in on more adventures from your house!

    Jill

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